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Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable will make you strong and resilient

by Joe Domaleski | Feb 28, 2023 | Blog, Business, Columnists, Community, News Center, Opinion

Over the weekend I had the unique opportunity to endure two periods of physical discomfort by choice. The first opportunity was the GORUCK Trailblazer event at Piedmont Park. Over a period of four hours, a group of 27 of us (including my wife) endured the physical discomfort of carrying weighted backpacks, sandbags, and each other up and down the hills of Piedmont Park. We even paid for the privilege of doing that. The very next morning, my wife Mary Catherine, daughter Alex, and I ran the Publix Atlanta Half-marathon (13.1 miles) around east Atlanta. Needless to say, I am physically tired as I write this article.

GORUCK Trailblazer event - Joe Domaleski does a one-man fireman's carry of his wife Mary Catherine up a hill at Piedmont Park as GORUCK Cadre JC Jordan looks on. Photo/Joe Domaleski

GORUCK Trailblazer event on 2/25/2023 – Joe Domaleski does a one-man fireman’s carry of his wife Mary Catherine up a hill at Piedmont Park as GORUCK Cadre JC Jordan looks on. Photo/Joe Domaleski

Why would I or anyone else do such things? We each have our own reasons to either embrace discomfort or avoid it. In this article, I intend to explore the reasons why I think getting comfortable with being uncomfortable will make you strong and resilient. For those of you who already know what I’m talking about, perhaps this article will validate your feelings on the matter. For those of you who avoid discomfort, I’m hoping you’ll reconsider your position and see how discomfort can become your superpower for future growth and resiliency. In a previous article, I wrote about how to bounce back from a setback. This article expounds upon the fourth point I made in that article.

Disclaimer – I am not a doctor of anything. If your discomfort is severe, then seek professional help: a psychologist, medical doctor, therapist, etc. What we’re exploring in this article are minor discomforts that can be handled yourself.

Here are a few of the many types of discomfort one may find in life:

Emotional discomfort – is a non-physical, psychological pain that can occur as the result of grief, loss, regret, or other negative experiences. It can manifest itself physically and may be one of the most common forms of discomfort in modern-day living.

Mental discomfort – if you’re taking a test or trying to solve a problem, you may experience this type of “my brain hurts” discomfort. As we continue to offload problem-solving to computers, many of us are getting very “soft” in our ability to do even the most basic types of problem-solving.

Social discomfort – some people enjoy being with others, but many people don’t. Even if you are extroverted, some social settings can be uncomfortable such as family gatherings, business meetings, social events, and so forth. The ability to be with other people who are different than us can add to the discomfort.

Physical discomfort – almost all of us are familiar with the aches and pains of living in a human body. Some discomfort might just be a “friction point” that gently reminds you of your humanity. Other types of discomfort may require an adjustment to your lifestyle. The human body was designed to be active, yet modern living doesn’t encourage that.

Most discomfort is temporary and the ability to endure it is a big part of improving your creativity, physical strength, flexibility, and endurance. Many religious traditions promote long-suffering, which is the ability to endure troubles with patience. Society has gotten soft. People struggle carrying bags of groceries, walking around town, or holding intelligent conversations with people having different life perspectives.

Here are some reasons why I believe getting comfortable with being uncomfortable will make you strong and resilient:

Expands your comfort zone – Practicing voluntary hardship expands your comfort zone so that you can better handle involuntary difficulties.
Makes you physically stronger – The key training principle behind physical fitness is the ability of our bodies to adapt to progressive resistance in order to develop strength.
Promotes your ability to recover – As you bounce back from discomfort, your body (mental, physical, emotional) develops new ways of coping.
Increases your knowledge – Trying and learning new things increases your awareness of the world around you. This can increase your knowledge and frame of reference for handling unanticipated new situations.
Helps you realize your true potential – I love this quote by David Goggins (Navy SEAL and author of You Can’t Hurt Me, “You are in danger of living a life so comfortable and soft, that you will die without ever realizing your true potential.”
Increases your odds of survival – Whether you’re starting a new business or dealing with a tough life situation, the ability to handle the small bumps in life will better prepare you for the real challenges of life.

Here are some ways you can deliberately get comfortable with the uncomfortable in everyday living:

Pick up heavy things – don’t hurt yourself, but realize that your body was made to move and carry things.
Walk/hike/run – Park your car away from a building entrance and walk! There’s nothing more pitiful than a “reserved” parking spot for business leaders that are close to a building. Unless you’re a first responder with a need to quickly enter/exit a building, then save those up-close parking spots for people who need them.
Take the stairs – given the choice between an elevator or stairs, take the stairs.
Solve puzzles – this will help build brain power using puzzles like logic problems, crossword puzzles, sudoku, or even jigsaw puzzles.
Read – yes, good old-fashioned long-form books and articles. Don’t let your only reading material be internet memes. Purposely read books that have a point-of-view different than your own.
Pray/Meditate/Contemplate – be quiet and clear your mind. You’ll be surprised at how uncomfortable you might be sitting in silence. Learn how to endure the chatter of your mind to better focus on one thing or nothing at all!
Go on adventures – Whether it’s a vacation or a day trip, go to places you’ve never been before and try new things. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable in new places.
Get out of bed – I know the power of a good nap and enjoy an occasional sleep-in, but resist the temptation to stay under the sheets and miss out on all that life has to offer.
Clean up your yard – Instead of hiring someone to take care of your yard, try doing as much as you can yourself.
Make amends to another person – Be the peacemaker and fix a broken relationship.
Break out of the routine – There are many benefits to following a routine, but it can also dull your ability to handle the unpredictable. Be spontaneous and do something different that’s not part of a routine.

As a society, we’ve gotten soft. We’ve lost the ability to walk upstairs, solve problems, carry things, make tough decisions, and deal with people. Become stronger and more resilient by deliberately seeking opportunities for temporary discomfort. What are some ways you can add a little bit of voluntary discomfort in your life in order to become a better person?

[Joe Domaleski, a Fayette County resident for 25 years, is the owner of Country Fried Creative – an award-winning digital marketing agency located in Peachtree City. His company was the Fayette Chamber’s 2021 Small Business of the Year. Joe is a husband, father of three grown children, and proud Army veteran. He has an MBA from Georgia State University and enjoys sharing his perspectives drawing from thirty years of business leadership experience. ]

A business leaders guide to social media

by Joe Domaleski | Feb 21, 2023 | Blog, Business, Columnists, Community, News Center, Opinion

Social media is everywhere, but what should a business leader do with it? Let’s define what it is. I really like this definition from Tufts University Office of Communications and Marketing – “Social media refers to the means of interactions among people in which they create, share, and/or exchange information and ideas in virtual communities and networks.”

An effective leader needs to be able to process information from a variety of sources to aid in better decision making. Leaders not only consume information, but they must be able to put out communications that are both official and informal in nature. Social media is one of the most effective ways to facilitate two-way communications.

The “social” part of social media is all about dialog, connectivity, and interactions. The “media” part refers to the different online channels and platforms for providing the interactions. Traditional media such as TV, radio, and print do not typically invite real-time dialog. Although one might make the case that traditional “letters to the editor” or a radio call-in program might be an early form of social media.

The early beginnings of social media go back to the late 90’s with website chatrooms and online forums. Social media as we know it really got its start with MySpace. MySpace launched in 2003 and became the go to place where people could quickly post online content, share it, and comment about it. Facebook is largely based on that same concept. Since that time, social media has become part of our modern culture.

For purposes of this article, I won’t debate whether social media is good or bad. Social media is widely used by people so today’s business leader needs to know how to use it. Here are some reasons you should consider keeping up with social media:

Stay abreast of trends, new ideas, and what people are thinking
Foster instant, online connections with others
Share knowledge
Promote ideas, products, and services
Provide opportunities for branding and awareness
Have fun and allow for creativity
Improve online reputation and search results ranking (for companies)

Compared to other forms of traditional media, social media is very inexpensive from a monetary perspective. Frankly, the biggest expense is the time involved in keeping up with it. To help you make the most of your time, here’s how I use social media personally.

Facebook – I was an early adopter of Facebook shortly after it was opened up for general public use in 2008. Of all of the social media platforms I use, this one is used the most by my family and friends. The algorithm used to determine what a user sees has some well-known problems. This is not my favorite form of social media, but it is essential because so many people are on it. I mostly use it to keep up with family and friends by sharing personal life updates. I also participate in a few groups related to hobbies of mine. I rarely originate content on Facebook, but connect to it through Instagram. Facebook’s parent company is named Meta.

Instagram – I enjoy Instagram. Although it was bought out by Facebook (Meta), Instagram has enjoyed some autonomy and is centered around pictures (Posts) and short-form video content (Reels) with captions. I use it to keep up with friends and things of interest to me like hiking, amateur (ham) radio, travel, and fitness. It’s easy to find things on Instagram and to share things from Instagram to Facebook. Whereas the Facebook audience tends to be middled-aged (like me), Instagram is used by younger people – particularly millennials and some Generation Z. Because of the younger audience, I find Instagram is a good place to find out about new ideas, businesses, and what’s going on in my community. Instagram helps me know “what’s cool.”

Twitter – I don’t really like Twitter, especially now that it’s been purchased by Elon Musk who made some well-known blunders in trying to update the platform. Despite it’s flaws, it is the go-to place for breaking news and “trending” topics. I purposely avoid the political stuff and focus mostly on news and amateur (ham) radio stuff. I read more than I post.

YouTube – If you want to learn about something, go to YouTube which is a place where people can share longer form video content. You’ll find everything here – how-to, travel, entertainment, video blogs (VLOGS), humor, and more. Although YouTube recently launched their streaming YouTube TV service, I mostly use YouTube to learn about things. I also have my own YouTube channel where I share some of the adventures my wife Mary Catherine and I enjoy outdoors. Although many people have monetized their YouTube channels, we haven’t and don’t intend to do so.

LinkedIn – When it first came out, LinkedIn was mostly a place for job seekers to network with employers. Since I wasn’t looking for a job, I mostly ignored it. Microsoft bought it a few years ago and did a great job of turning into an impressive place for business professionals to network. Whereas Facebook is like a “backyard BBQ,” LinkedIn is more like a professional business networking site. User profiles are centered around professional resumes of work experiences, awards, and education. Like other forms of social media, users can share content in the form of pictures, words, and video. I promote this newspaper column on my LinkedIn page. I feel like LinkedIn is an essential social media outlet for business professionals.

There are other social media channels – TikTok, BeReal, SnapChat, Pinterest, and Reddit among others. Each has a specialty purpose and I personally don’t find them essential for me. TikTok is very popular for video sharing for those under 40 and Pinterest is very popular with women. Since I am neither, I don’t really use them. It’s nearly impossible to keep up with all of the different forms of social media and, if you did, you’d spend more time “virtually living” than actually living.

Although I’ve written this column from an individual business leader’s perspective, social media is essential for your business or organization too. You can learn more about that from my company’s blog over on our company website.

So now that you know what social media is and some of the different social media channels, how should you us it as a business leader? Here’s some suggestions:

Decide where your family, friends, and professional colleagues “hang out” online and focus on those first – probably LinkedIn, Facebook, and maybe one other channel.
Read/watch more than you post – you’ll learn more that way
Don’t use social media as a bullhorn to promote everything you’re doing, every opinion you have, or every cause you’re supporting – people will begin to ignore you. Do promote things that really matter to you, but do so sparingly.
When you do post, be authentic and real – don’t overly produce your personal content or it will seem too perfect and people will doubt your sincerity.
Don’t compare yourself to others – it’s the thief of joy. Social media isn’t real and many people use it to promote a fake image of themselves.
Budget your time so that social media doesn’t become a time waster.
Interact and have conversation when you have something to say, but don’t feel obligated to comment on everything.
Avoid people who frustrate you – it’ll waste your time and energy.
Perhaps most importantly, don’t get caught up with “vanity metrics” of likes, shares, follows, etc. Those are all computer generated and have been widely debunked by data scientists. Remember that social media is a business and money skews the numbers. See it for what it is, a way to connect with others and not a popularity contest.

If you’d like to connect with me personally on social media, I’m easy to find. I’m looking forward to getting to know you all better through online dialog and idea sharing. See you all in the community – real and online.

Mastering the completed pass

by Joe Domaleski | Feb 14, 2023 | Blog, Business, Columnists, Community, News Center, Opinion

Q uite often we have a need to pass something along in life and in business. Since the Super Bowl just happened (congratulations Kansas City Chiefs), it seems timely to use football as an analogy. During a football pass, a team generally calls the play ahead of time. After the snap, the quarterback (QB) aims the ball, throws, and the receiver catches it. Sometimes the pass isn’t deliberate, but there’s a rush and the QB just needs to get the ball out of his hands and down field.

Let’s consider another sports analogy, a relay race. I was a runner in high school and even though I was a distance runner, sometimes my coach would put me in a relay race. During a relay race, a baton is passed from one runner to another. The pass itself is very deliberate. The approaching runner positions the baton in such a way that the receiving runner can grab it and continue running. The runners balance the need to be careful to not drop the baton and the need to maintain momentum in order to run fast.

Not all of us are football players or relay race runners, but most all of use have a regular need to pass something along. Examples include: tasks, messages, knowledge, authority, physical objects, money, and so forth. Most of the time the pass is deliberate in which both the passer (or sender) and the receiver know about the pass ahead of time. Circumstances may dictate an unplanned pass. Whether it’s a deliberate or unplanned pass, it’s best to be prepared.

I believe that “mastering the pass” is one of the most essential skills in working with other people. Although sometimes there’s a need to pass things through several people, let’s focus on mastering the pass from just one person to another. When the pass is mastered, then you can be assured the right things are being handed off, best positioning the receiver for success. Here are some ways to master the completed pass:

Share responsibility for the pass – Understand that both the passer and the receiver are equally responsible for the pass. The most effective passes happen when both parties know about them ahead of time and take appropriate action. It’s become fashionable lately to blame others and circumstances for failures. Blame does not create an environment for success, but being prepared and responsible does.
Define what’s being passed – Both passer and receiver need to know exactly what’s being passed so they can prepare accordingly. Is it knowledge, physical objects, money, or tasks? If the receiver doesn’t know what’s being sent, how will they know what’s coming their way?
Understand the pass conditions – Whether it’s deliberate or not, both the passer and receiver need to know the conditions under which the pass will take place. Will the receiver have time to prepare for a new task assignment that’s being passed to them? Does the sender know the specific time for the pass and, if not, how to signify when the pass will begin? Will the pass happen deliberately or only if a certain trigger situation happens?
Clarify the pass standards – How will both parties know when the pass has been successfully completed? Is there a form to fill out upon receipt of transferred funds? Does the sender issue a return receipt to know when the receiver gets the email? Does someone have to sign-off on a delegated (passed) task that’s been completed? Should the teacher quiz the student on passed along knowledge? When I was in the Army, we were taught to use the Task (#2 above), Conditions (#3 above), Standard (#4 above) method of instruction. Similar to what we’re talking about here, that method was used to maximize learning success. Learning is an example of the passing along of knowledge.
Anticipate the pass – Most everything in life needs to be passed from one person to another. Even when we die, our material goods are passed along to others. Both the passer and receiver need to anticipate passes. For example, if someone is told at work that they’ll be handling a new assignment it’s reasonable to assume that the assigner (passer) will brief the assignee (receiver) on the assignment. If that briefing doesn’t occur, then the assignee needs to speak up. In like manner, the assigner needs to give the assignee a “heads up” that something new is coming their way. Both parties need to anticipate the pass.
Pay attention – Most people do not listen or read instructions. You can count on that. This past weekend I was in a meeting in which the presenter (not me) clearly stated the starting time of a special event. Moreover, they had the starting time up on a big screen in a big, bold font for all to see and read. Before the presenter had even finished, someone spoke up and asked what time the event started. The audience laughed, the presenter was annoyed, and I bet the person who wasn’t paying attention still doesn’t know the starting time. Don’t be that person. Read information when it’s given and take notes. Don’t be the one who missed the train. Don’t wait for knowledge to come to you, always seek it out.

A business leader must be prepared to pass along knowledge, tasks, and authority in order to grow and perpetuate an organization. Team members should understand they do not work in a vacuum. They need to be knowledgable about their chosen profession and speak up when additional information is needed. There’s no excuse for “no one told me”. In fact, a fundamental legal principle in our country is that “ignorance of the law is no defense.” I believe the same is true in business. Taking initiative to have situational awareness is implied by being a productive member of a team and society in general.

Highly functioning teams are those that know how to master the completed pass. What will you be passing or receiving this week? Aim true and complete the pass.

Necessary but not sufficient

by Joe Domaleski | Feb 7, 2023 | Blog, Business, Columnists, Community, News Center, Opinion

S ome years ago my boss (and mentor) was reviewing one of my project plans I had prepared for a project I was about to manage. He made the comment that my project tasks were “necessary but not sufficient” to get the project completed. That simple phrase made a big impression on me and influenced how I set about managing projects ever since. So what does it mean?

If you have a math or logic background, you may already be familiar with the concepts of necessity and sufficiency. For the rest of you, let’s define the terms. Necessity means that something is needed or required. In more formal terms, a necessary condition is one that must be present for a condition to be true. For example, water is a necessity and is a necessary condition for life. If something is necessary, it is required – plain and simple, but is it enough? Is water sufficient for life to exist?

Sufficiency means ALL of the necessary requirements have been met in order for something else to be true. Formally stated, something is sufficient if all of the essential (necessary) requirements are met for a condition to be true. The key word here is ALL. For example, being female is a necessary condition for being a sister, but it is not sufficient. Not all females are sisters. Being a female sibling is a sufficient condition for being a sister. Being a sister requires both of the necessary conditions of being female and a sibling.

What does this have to do with leadership and organizational management? Necessity and sufficiency are the foundations of problem-solving, management, and goal attainment. An effective leader has to identify not just what’s required to make something happen (the necessary) but also has to know when ALL conditions are met to arrive at a sufficient solution. Most organizations are able to identify some necessary tasks, conditions, and resources to get something done. In order to be effective, the organization has to identify “all the things” to achieve sufficiency in getting something done. Someone is considered to be “self-sufficient” when they have everything they need to be successful. Thus, sufficiency applies to both individuals and organizations.

Is it okay to start a project without having everything you need for completion? Yes, it’s been my experience that it’s okay to be “directionally correct” in order to get something started, as long as you know what else is needed to be sufficiently confident that you can succeed. Waiting until sufficiency is achieved could mean a failure to ever get started. It’s both an art and science in knowing when enough resources are present to initiate an activity knowing that additional resources will be needed or conditions met along the way.

The same principle applies to individuals. Although it’s highly desirable for someone to be self-sufficient, that is rarely the case in most circumstances. Most people, myself included, don’t know what we don’t know. As leaders, we need to be aware of what’s necessary as we strive for sufficiency. For example, I may know all of the facts in order to make a business decision but it may not be sufficient because there are more than just facts to consider when making the decision – like who’s actually going to implement the plan?

Consider the necessary and sufficient actions taken by a salesperson. A self-sufficient salesperson is one who has the resources and knowledge to make sales by meeting all of a buyer’s necessary requirements – time, budget, scope, etc. Anticipating objections and handling requirements is the core function of a sales professional. A sale is only made when all necessary and sufficient questions are answered and the buyer is motivated to action.

When something fails in business, it’s mostly because of insufficiency – a lack of resources, sales, staff, working capital, motivation, time, and so forth. You can’t succeed without meeting all requirements for success. I haven’t run into an organization yet that doesn’t have some of the necessary ingredients for success. The key is finding sufficiency to bring all of that to bear to achieve the desired results. If something fails, then sufficiency was not attained and oftentimes people resort to a “blame game” about the missing necessary conditions for success – the “coulda, shoulda, woulda”. True leaders accept responsibility from failure, learn from it, and move on striving for sufficiency the next time.

Being effective requires the necessary and sufficient. What are you missing to achieve sufficiency? Do you have enough of what’s necessary to get started, knowing that you can achieve sufficiency along the way? None of us have it all figured out, but that shouldn’t stop us from trying. Somewhere between failure to launch and failure to land is a journey toward sufficiency and success. Once you have lift-off, be mindful of what’s needed to land. The year has just started, have you? If not, what are you waiting for?

The most important function in business is sales

by Joe Domaleski | Jan 31, 2023 | Blog, Business, Columnists, Community, News Center, Opinion

I ’ve often heard it said that there are three main functions in a business or organization – sales, operations, and finance. Like three legs on a stool, each of these functions is needed to ensure stability and balance. Sales, sometimes called business development, is concerned with attracting revenue. Revenue flows into operations to get things done, services provided, products made, and so forth. Finance (and administration) ensures that operations are properly funded and that the flow of money is handled properly by both employees and vendors.

Although a business needs all three functions, the most important of the three is sales. Indeed, it’s been said that “Nothing happens in business until someone sells something”. That quote has been attributed to Henry Ford, Tom Watson, and even Peter Drucker. I’m not sure who said it, but as a small business owner, I can tell you it’s true. Money is needed to fuel a business and the main source of that is sales.

Sales come in many forms, depending upon the type of organization. In the non-profit world, sales are often referred to as business or donor development. It’s the job of the development officer to develop sources of revenue to fund the non-profit. The revenue typically comes from donors, grants, and patrons who support the organization. In a small non-profit, that may be one person or a proactive board member. In a larger organization, a whole team may be involved in development. A combination of direct solicitation, fund-raising events, campaigns, and grant writing is used to seek out funds. A passion for the non-profit cause is what helps motivate the development officer’s efforts.

In a product company, sales are made when a customer buys a product. Commodity items of smaller value are typically purchased by customers without the direct involvement of a salesperson. In this case, direct marketing helps encourage sales through advertisements, promotions, and publicity. For larger value items such as a car or home, a salesperson is directly involved in the sale in order to help the buyer find the product that best matches their needs. Once the match is made, the salesperson helps guide the buyer through the buying process. Having the customer’s interests at heart is what helps motivate the salesperson to make the sale.

A service company, like mine, provides services for a fee. When I’m selling, it’s my job to listen to potential customer needs and offer solutions to meet those needs. This is called solution-based selling and involves listening, creating solutions, offering options, answering questions, and handling objections. Potential customers (aka “leads”) come from marketing, referrals, and community networking. A sincere desire to help people solve problems and grow opportunities is what motivates me. I’ve often told people that if I was independently wealthy, I’d give away my services because I like to help people and enjoy what I do so much.

No matter what kind of business is involved, the key ingredient in being effective at sales is passion for what you do and belief that your organization has the right products and services to help people. It’s very hard to fake it in sales. If you believe in what you do, the customer will pick up on that passion. Most people buy based on emotion, not price – no matter what they might say. It’s why someone will pay $5 for a can of water because “it’s cool” instead of drinking out of a water fountain for free. The numbers have to make sense, but often the deciding factor is trust, not price.

As a business leader, I’m fueled not just by the passion for helping customers, but also by the absolute necessity of generating revenue no matter how fast or slow sales are happening. Revenue is needed to run my business, compensate my employees, and pay my vendors. No offense big business leaders, you often have deep pockets and a big team to make sales happen. My hats are off to those of you who work for smaller organizations in which you have a direct stake in the success or failure of your business. Failure is not an option because it directly impacts your ability to pay your personal bills and financial obligations. This is true not only for non-profit executives and business owners but also for commissioned salespeople and others whose paycheck depends on making a sale.

Sales are one of the most rewarding things I do in my business. When someone has a need and hires my company to provide solutions it’s a great feeling. A successful sale is the validation of my life’s work and that of my company. A lost sale is tough. We have some great local firms who do similar work as we do. It doesn’t bother me too much when a competitor is selected over my firm. Although I want customers to pick us, I also take comfort in knowing the customer kept the business local and are dealing with good people at the competition. What probably hurts the most is when a potential customer opts to do nothing. Honestly, that’s our biggest competitor – the “do nothing” or “we’ll wait and see.” I’m not a pushy person, so when this happens I ensure the potential customer has my contact information and I move on to the next opportunity.

Sales can make or break a business. It’s been my experience that sales is the number one success factor in business growth and sustainability. We’ve all seen organizations “too big to fail” fall apart due to a lack of sales. We’ve also seen organizations ride a wave of rapid sales growth and collapse because they couldn’t keep up. In general, steady sales increases are better for businesses than hyper-growth. Steady sales supported by robust and consistent marketing is the best combination.

Running a business is a team effort. The combination of sales, operations, and finance ensures an organization is viable and properly functioning. Although all three functions are important, the most important is sales. It’s the efforts of “front-line” sales and business development people that ensure revenue generation to ensure the success of the overall organization. If you ask me, salespeople are essential workers in the business community.

The problem of intentional selective memory

by Joe Domaleski | Jan 24, 2023 | Blog, Business, Columnists, Community, News Center, Opinion

I am not sure if it’s my age, the times we live in, or the fact that I deal with lots of people in my work but selective memory has become a real problem lately. Please know that I am not a counselor or therapist so I’m going to use the term “selective memory” in a non-clinical sense. If you suspect someone has a real memory loss problem, it’s best you refer them to a professional. For the purposes of this article, we’re going to examine selective memory that has intentionality behind it. In other words, situations in which the person chooses what to remember.

In common usage, the term selective memory is often used as a euphemism for a person’s ability to knowingly remember what they want to remember and forget things that are unpleasant or inconvenient. Scientists call this “confirmation bias”. Formally stated, confirmation bias is “the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one’s prior beliefs or values.” (Nickerson, Raymond S. (1998), “Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises”, Review of General Psychology). There are several dimensions to selective memory.

Belief perseverance is when someone maintains a belief or position despite information that contradicts it. We see this on so many levels in society today. It’s human nature to cling to what we originally learned and resist new information that may challenge our original beliefs. Skepticism is healthy (to a point). History is replete with examples of this such as believing the Earth is flat (sorry Flat Earth Society) despite overwhelming evidence we live on a spherical planet. The fact that science changes and evolve further complicates belief perseverance. For example, in college, I had a minor in Physics and we were taught that the proton, neutron, and electron were the smallest sub-atomic particles. Since my college graduation Quantum Physics has emerged which has defined a whole world of fundamental particles smaller than the atom and too complex to describe here. Yes, sometimes it’s easier for me to just cling to the original, simpler belief of the atom.

False (or illusory) correlation is when someone sees a relationship or connection between two things (people, events, data points) when no such relationship exists. On a positive level, this type of selective memory forms the basis of humor. Many internet memes are examples of correlations that are loose (or non-existent) but still funny. Stand-up comedians often use this as the basis for their comedy skits. But there’s a fine line between humor and negativity. Stereotypes that are wrong or harmful are negative examples of this. False correlation can also lead to poor decision-making, especially when one assumes causation. There are mathematical ways to establish correlation and causation which can be used to keep an emotional attachment to data in check.

Attitude polarization is when different points of view become extreme as different parties look for evidence that already supports their beliefs. Ambiguous evidence may serve to widen the gap as each party interprets the data to reinforce their positions. I probably don’t even need to give examples of this in modern society. Online media outlets have added to the polarization. They foster reality distortion fields in which a single news event can be spun in such a way as to further validate incomplete truths or falsehoods. Computer-based algorithms are used in search engine results and social media feeds to serve a person a steady stream of “like-minded” narratives to further the polarization. It’s amazing to me that a single news event can be interpreted in so many opposing, polarized ways.

How should we handle intentional selective memory?

Use common sense. This is the ability to accurately receive, interpret, and process information in a manner common to most people. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with the majority, it means using discernment to consider the bigger picture. Have an open mind to new ideas, but also be skeptical if the logic isn’t sound or if something sounds too good to be true. Don’t believe everything you hear, but keep your mind open to new things. Contrary to what I learned in economics, people are generally not rational decision-makers. Most decisions in life are emotional ones, so use some common sense.
Write things down. I have found that many people who regularly display selective memory tend to have an aversion to things in writing. “That’s not how I remembered it” can effectively be countered with a set of notes or a written agreement. It’s become standard practice in our business to create written notes after every meeting. Doing so ensures that everything is recorded for later reference. Trust others but verify facts with written notes.
Respect others, especially when you disagree. Very little is gained when two opposing viewpoints clash violently. You can tell when a disagreement is getting unproductive when the discussion changes from a consideration of the facts to personal attacks or vague moral imperatives. When that happens, it’s best to walk away or move on to something else. You’re going to be frustrated and unlikely to change the other person’s point of view if they have a closed mind.
Consider the intentionality of the situation. As mentioned in the first paragraph, some people really do suffer memory loss to varying degrees. Although typically associated with age, there are a number of factors such as trauma and stress that can come into play. On the other hand, some people stand to gain by selectively remembering things. It’s normally obvious if someone’s forgetfulness is intentional or not.
Be aware of your own biases. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become aware of my own selective memory. To counter this, I am consciously trying to be better about writing things down and considering viewpoints that don’t exactly line up with my own. Indeed, as a middle-aged white man, I make it a point to proactively seek information that may challenge my own beliefs.

Selective memory in society has become a big problem. The advent of algorithmically generated news feeds has amplified our biases and plays into our stereotypes. We tend to remember what we want to remember. Counter this by using common sense and decency when dealing with others. Be aware of confirmation bias and strive to have a more accurate view of the world yourself. I love this paraphrased quote from von Goethe – “if everyone would sweep their own front porch, the world would be a cleaner place.”

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